Tango Catharsis

Well, I have been dancing tango for a little longer then i would like to admit. Probably a bit over 8 months. The reason, i dont like to admit that is because I have sucked hard at it, and feel more comfortable if i can buy some compassion with, "ohh this is my first week".

Anyway, i have been painfully aware, that tango brings up a lot of the worst in me: I get nervous, insecure, confused, run into people, and step more then my fair share of feet. I can just feel my partners counting down the timer until they can get away.

Its kind of like a lesson in total humility, its like going up to beautiful women, and then just throwing up on them, and then trying again trying to forget about it and saying ok, that was yesterday, i am over it, and barf, and again and again. Its a certain perverse warriorship. But i have been determined that this is just a phase.

So, anyway a lot of tango is a reflection about how you relate to people. And the reality has been that beautiful girls, scare me and make me nervous, like nothing else in life. Generally i really like them, and i want them to like me, and in the course of this i lose my center and turn into an idiotic barfing fool.

So in a way tangoclass is very much a therapy for me to learn how to hold my center in relationship to beauty and not freak out.

Well i am not saying that i have mastered it, but finally the little molecules of insecurity parted, and made way for some new neurotransmitters. I went to a national tango event this weekend. And there were teachers from all over the world there. Now somehow walking in to this ampitheater I felt like a little light bulb of joy. And this little joy bulb, attracted the other joy mongers to come and buzz around me. And it just so happens that these little critters were world class tango dancers.

Now I have to admit, i am still a little surprised that i did this. I mean typically i would have felt shy, or unworthy to take their time. And these people had waiting lines of people trying to get their attention, but somehow i bedazzled them with my joybulb and snatched them up.

So anyway in these dances, something fundamentally changed in my dance. I realized they were enjoying dancing with me. The Joy that i was feeling independant of them, spread to them, and their joy back to me, and just kept on getting strong and stronger until were laughing. I must say to make a beautiful women laugh on the dance floor, out of delight and not out of making fun of you, is in the top 5 experiences in life to me.

Feeling like i was in the company of someone enjoying me, as opposed to scared / awkward / bored, provided me with a comfortability to play, experiment, and expand my dance profoundly.

Now i still believe that learning techincal precision is still important, and the reality is that even in my joy bulb luminosity, there were still girls that i could not reach, ones that demanded a language that i did not know.... they seemed kind of cold and sterile, and my bulb just had no power over them.... now as i reflect on them, a new dream decends upon me. To be able to go up to the most austere sterile ballerina and speak their language and then backend them into a smile.... hmm, yes that would be something....